Funeral Preplanning Checklist for Aging Parents: What to Decide

To preplan a funeral with an aging parent, write down their wishes (burial or cremation, the kind of service, religious elements, music, readings and the facts for an obituary), name who has legal authority to carry them out, and get price lists from at least two funeral homes. If your parent is a veteran, ask the VA for a pre-need eligibility decision now. Think hard before prepaying, and keep the written plan where family can reach it on a weekend, which rules out a safe deposit box as its only home.

Planning doesn't have to mean paying. Most of the value is in the decisions and the paperwork.

Start with the wishes, not the funeral home

You'll get a better record if your parent answers these at the kitchen table, before anyone is selling anything. If you need a way into the conversation, our list of questions to ask aging parents has gentler openers.

The wishes checklist

• Burial, cremation, green burial or whole body donation (and a backup choice)
• If burial: which cemetery, whether a plot is already owned, and where the deed is
• If cremation: what happens to the ashes (kept, buried, placed in a niche, scattered somewhere specific)
• Viewing or visitation, or none; open or closed casket
• The kind of service: traditional funeral, graveside only, memorial service later, or nothing formal
• Where: place of worship, funeral home, graveside, a park, a family home
• Religious or fraternal elements, and who should officiate
• Music, readings, scripture, and who they'd like to speak
• What they want to wear, and whether jewelry stays on or comes back to family
• Flowers, or a charity for donations in lieu of flowers
• Pallbearers, and a photo they actually like for the program
• Anything they definitely don't want

If green burial is the wish, ask the cemetery directly, since not every cemetery allows it. VA national cemeteries say they have always accepted remains prepared naturally or in a biodegradable container, and three pilot cemeteries have dedicated green burial sections.

Facts for the obituary and the death certificate

The funeral home will ask for these in the first day or two, often of a family member who is guessing:

• Full legal name, and any name they went by
• Date and place of birth
• Social Security number (write it in the plan; don't clip the card to it)
• Father's name and mother's maiden name, with their birthplaces
• Marital history and the names of a spouse, children and siblings
• Education, main occupation and employer
• Military service, with branch and dates, and where the DD214 is kept
• Clubs, congregation, volunteer work and hobbies

The Pennsylvania Department of Aging has a printable funeral planning worksheet that covers these fields plus a list of people to call, if you'd rather fill in blanks than start from scratch.

Who gets to make the arrangements

Most checklists skip this part, and it's where family arguments tend to start. Each state sets an order of people who control what happens to a body after death, and many let a person put wishes in writing or name someone in advance.

Washington is a clear example. Under RCW 68.50.160, a person's own signed and witnessed written instructions are enough legal authorization. Prearrangements that are prepaid or filed with a licensed funeral home or cemetery can't be canceled or substantially revised by survivors. Without those, the right to decide passes in this order (after a military designee, for deaths in service): a designated agent named in a signed, dated and witnessed document; the surviving spouse or registered domestic partner; the majority of the adult children; the parents; the majority of siblings; and a court-appointed guardian.

Read that "majority of the adult children" line twice if you have siblings. In Washington, with no surviving spouse, if two of three children want cremation, that's the decision, unless your parent put their own wishes in writing or named one person. Other states use similar but not identical rules.

California's Cemetery and Funeral Bureau puts the same idea in plain words in its pre-need Q&A: only the person can change their arrangements before they're needed, and if the instructions are clear and paid for, survivors can't change them.

Next steps:

1. Look up your parent's state rule: search the state name plus "right to control disposition."
2. If your parent wants one particular child to handle it, or if the family isn't on speaking terms, ask whether the state has a designated agent form and fill it out.
3. Don't assume a health care proxy or financial power of attorney covers funeral decisions. Ask an attorney or the funeral board in your parent's state how it works there.

Your parent's rights under the FTC Funeral Rule

A federal rule, enforced by the Federal Trade Commission, governs how funeral homes sell and price. The FTC's summary of the Funeral Rule lists these rights, and they apply to arrangements made in advance as well as at the time of death:

• Price information by phone, without giving your name, address or number first.
• A written, itemized General Price List to keep when you visit in person.
• A casket price list before you see any caskets, and an outer burial container price list. The FTC notes that no state law requires an outer burial container, though many cemeteries do.
• Buying only what you want. You can buy items separately and turn down a package.
• A written, itemized statement before you pay, explaining any legal, cemetery or crematory requirement that forced a purchase.
• An alternative container for cremation. No state or local law requires a casket for cremation, and a home that offers cremation has to tell you alternative containers are available.
• Using a casket or urn bought elsewhere, without a handling fee and without you having to be there when it's delivered.
• No embalming by default. No state law requires routine embalming for every death. Some states require embalming or refrigeration if burial or cremation is delayed, and refrigeration is usually acceptable. A home's own policy may require embalming for a public viewing; ask about a private family viewing without it.

Two limits: the rule doesn't cover casket and monument dealers or cemeteries without an on-site funeral home, and it doesn't require homes to post prices online, though some do. The FTC raised online prices in a 2022 advance notice of proposed rulemaking and a 2023 public workshop, but as of October 2026 its Funeral Rule page shows no proposed or final amendment since. A phone call or a visit still gets you the list; a website may not.

If your parent served: veterans' burial benefits

Veterans who weren't dishonorably discharged, and often their spouses and some dependent children, may be eligible for burial in a VA national cemetery. The VA's National Cemetery Administration says that benefit includes a gravesite where space is available, opening and closing of the grave, perpetual care, a government headstone or marker, a burial flag and a Presidential Memorial Certificate, at no cost to the family. A spouse buried with the veteran has their name and dates added to the veteran's headstone. Funeral home charges are still the family's to pay.

The planning step that helps most is a pre-need determination of eligibility. Your parent can apply in advance, online or with VA Form 40-10007, giving their Social Security number, military history and a preferred national cemetery (which the VA can't promise). A DD214 speeds it up. A family member can apply for them only in certain cases, such as when your parent can't make decisions or sign. This covers VA national cemeteries; Arlington and state veterans cemeteries handle their own.

Also note in the plan:

• Headstone or marker for a veteran in a private cemetery, using VA Form 40-1330. Eligibility depends on when and how they served.
• Burial flag, through VA Form 27-2008, which the funeral director, a VA regional office or some post offices can process. The VA can't replace a lost flag, so decide in advance who keeps it.
• Presidential Memorial Certificate. The VA presents one automatically at a national cemetery burial; for a private cemetery, family or a close friend applies.
• A burial allowance may help some veterans' families; see the VA burials page.

If the DD214 is missing, finding it now is far easier than finding it the week of a funeral.

Social Security's one-time death payment

Social Security pays a small, one-time lump sum death payment to a qualifying surviving spouse or child, and survivors must apply within two years. It's applied for by phone or at a local office, not online, and it won't cover much of a funeral. Our guide on who to notify when a parent dies covers that call and the others in the first weeks.

Body donation: register early, and keep a backup plan

Whole body donation to a medical school is a real option, but registering doesn't guarantee the program will accept the body when the time comes. Northeast Ohio Medical University's program, for example, requires registration before death, won't accept a body that has had an autopsy, has had organs or tissues donated at death, or died during or shortly after major surgery, and strongly recommends that every registered donor also have alternative arrangements. If your parent is also a registered organ donor, ask the program how the two fit together.

So a donation plan needs two parts: the program's name, number and donor card, and a funeral home choice in case the program says no.

Prepaid funeral contracts: questions before anyone signs

Pre-need contracts let your parent choose and pay now. The protection depends almost entirely on the state. The FTC says state laws govern prepayment and protections vary widely, with some offering little or no effective protection. Some states require the funeral home or cemetery to put a percentage of the money into a state-regulated trust, or to buy a life insurance policy that pays the funeral home or cemetery.

Before paying, ask for answers in writing:

• What exactly is covered: goods only (a casket, a vault) or services too?
• Are the prices guaranteed, or could the family owe more later?
• Is it funded by a trust or an insurance policy, and who holds the money? Get their contact information.
• Who gets the interest, and who pays tax on it?
• What happens if the funeral home closes or is sold?
• Can it be transferred if your parent moves or dies away from home, and at what cost?
• Can your parent cancel, and how much comes back?
• Is it revocable or irrevocable?

Irrevocable contracts and Medicaid

An irrevocable contract can't be canceled for a refund. People sometimes choose one on purpose, because Medicaid and SSI rules may not count money in an irrevocable funeral arrangement as an asset. The details are state-specific.

New York's law, General Business Law section 453, shows how that can look. For someone applying for or receiving Medicaid or SSI, the prepaid money must go into an irrevocable trust. The person can still switch to a different funeral home at any time, but can't get the money back, and the contract has to warn them that anything left over after the funeral and burial goes to the county. Other New York preneed buyers must be told of their right to be repaid with interest. Social Security's SSI rules on life insurance funded burial contracts show how technical this gets. If Medicaid is in the picture, talk to an elder law attorney or the state Medicaid office before buying.

If you're not sure whether your parent already prepaid, our deceased parent accounts checklist covers the policies and accounts to track down afterward, including a prepaid plan funded by insurance.

Keep the plan where family can find it

The FTC's advice is blunt: don't put funeral wishes only in a will, because a will often isn't read until after the funeral. And don't keep the only copy in a safe deposit box, because arrangements may need to be made on a weekend or holiday, before anyone can open it.

What works better:

1. One signed copy of the wishes, any designated agent form, the pre-need contract, the cemetery deed and the DD214 (or copies) in a folder at home that a named family member knows about.
2. Copies to whoever will handle the arrangements, and to your parent's attorney if they have one.
3. A note in the folder listing which funeral home holds a contract, with the contract number.
4. A review every few years, or after a move. Prices change, and funeral homes close or change hands.

The FTC adds a less obvious risk: if nobody knows your parent prepaid, the family can end up paying for the same arrangements twice.

If your parent is in hospice, the social worker there can help; our guide to hospice vs palliative care explains that team.

Frequently asked questions

What should be included in a funeral preplanning checklist?

The wishes themselves (with a backup choice), obituary facts, who has legal authority to carry them out, price lists, any pre-need contract, veteran paperwork, and where it's all kept.

Do I have to buy a casket from the funeral home?

No. Under the FTC Funeral Rule, a funeral home can't refuse a casket or urn you bought elsewhere or charge a fee to handle it. For cremation, you can use an alternative container instead of a casket.

Is it better to prepay for a funeral or just plan it?

Planning without paying gets most of the benefit with none of the contract risk. Prepaying can make sense, especially with Medicaid in view, once you know how the state protects the money.

Putting it in one place

Most of this list is a few conversations and a folder, and you can do it yourself with the checklists above. Or Emergency Binder Now can do the organizing from about 25 minutes of guided questions, producing a printable binder that records which legal documents and contracts exist and where each one is kept, plus a short list of what's still missing. Want to see what that looks like first? See a sample binder.

This article is general information, not legal, financial or tax advice. Funeral, cemetery, pre-need and Medicaid rules vary by state, and VA eligibility depends on each veteran's service record. For your parent's situation, check with your state's funeral or cemetery board, the VA, your state Medicaid office or an elder law attorney.