Questions to Ask Aging Parents: A Calm, Practical List by Topic

The most useful questions to ask aging parents are the practical ones first: who their doctors are, which medications they take, which legal papers exist and who is named in them, and where everything is kept. Then come the bigger ones, like what a good day looks like to them and what they would want if they were very sick. Ask one topic per visit, start with what they want rather than what you're worried about, and write the answers down the same day.

The list below is grouped by topic, so you can pick one section for a coffee or a car ride.

How to ask without it turning into an interview

Nobody wants to be handed a clipboard by their own child. A few habits help.

One topic per visit. Doctors on a Sunday, medications next time, legal papers a few weeks later. The Conversation Project's starter guide makes the same point about end-of-life talks: there's no need to say everything in one conversation, you can start talking and then keep talking.

Start with their wishes, not your worries. "What would you want if..." lands very differently from "I'm scared that...". The first one puts your parent in charge. The second one makes them comfort you, or defend themselves. Practical questions work the same way: "Who would you want the hospital to call first?" is a question about their preferences that happens to give you a phone number.

Ask for help, not information. The Conversation Project suggests openers like "I need your help with something" and "Will you help me think about my future?" Most parents still like being the one who helps.

Use something that already happened. A friend's fall, a neighbor's move to assisted living, a TV plot, your own new will. "When Aunt Carol was in the hospital, did anyone know what she wanted?" is easier than a cold open.

Pick the setting. Side by side tends to be easier than face to face: the car, a walk, folding laundry, fixing something together. Avoid holidays with the whole family at the table, and avoid the day after a scare when everyone is raw.

Write it down, and say you're writing it down. "Mind if I put this in my phone so I don't get it wrong?" Most parents say yes, and it signals that their answer will actually be used.

Let them say "not today." Take it at face value and come back in a few weeks.

Skip what you can find out yourself

A lot of what you need doesn't require asking at all. Every question you skip saves a little goodwill for the ones only your parent can answer: what they want, what papers exist, who they trust, and where things are kept.

Health and doctors

Start here. It's the least loaded topic, and it covers the basics any ER will want: conditions, allergies and who to call.

• Who is your main doctor, and which practice are they with?
• Do you see any specialists? For what?
• What health conditions are you being treated for right now?
• Any allergies, especially to medications? What happens when you take it?
• Any surgeries, implants or devices, like a pacemaker, stent or joint replacement?
• How are your eyes and ears? When did you last have them checked?
• Have you had any falls, even small ones, in the last year?
• Which hospital would you want to go to, if you had the choice?
• Is it OK with you if your doctor's office talks to me? Would you be willing to put that in writing?

The permission question is the one people tend to skip. The National Institute on Aging notes that giving a caregiver permission to talk with your doctor is different from naming a health care proxy, because a proxy can only make decisions when your parent can't. A parent who is perfectly capable but wants you in the loop may need to sign a form at the doctor's office. Our guide to a HIPAA authorization for a parent covers how that works.

Pills, drops and the pharmacy

If you only get through one topic this year, make it this one. A current list is hard to rebuild from memory in a waiting room, and easy to make on a quiet afternoon with the pill bottles lined up in front of you.

• Can we go through your pills together? Which ones do you take, and when?
• What is each one for, as far as you know?
• Any over-the-counter medicines, vitamins or supplements?
• Any inhalers, eye drops, creams, patches or injections? (These are the ones people forget to mention.)
• Which pharmacy do you use? More than one?
• Is anything hard to take, hard to afford, or easy to forget?
• Has any medicine ever made you dizzy, confused or sick to your stomach?
• Who keeps the list up to date when a doctor changes something?

Don't try to judge the answers. If something looks off, like two pills that seem to do the same thing, write it down and suggest bringing the whole bag to their next appointment or to the pharmacist. Our medication list for an elderly parent has the exact columns worth recording.

Legal papers and who is named

Nearly every question here boils down to three: does it exist, who does it name, and where is it? You're not asking to read anything. You're checking that each paper is real and that someone could find it on a bad day.

• Do you have a health care power of attorney, sometimes called a health care proxy? Who did you name? Is there a backup?
• Have you told that person? Did they agree to do it?
• Do you have a living will or advance directive?
• Has your doctor ever talked with you about a POLST or a DNR?
• If you couldn't handle your bills, who would step in? Is that written down in a durable power of attorney for finances?
• Do you have a will, a trust, or both? Who did you pick to carry it out?
• Who is your lawyer, if you have one?
• Where are the signed originals kept, and who has copies?
• When did you last look at these papers? Has anything changed since?

On the last question: NIA suggests treating advance directives as living documents to review at least once a year and after big changes like a move to another state or a major shift in health. A proxy named in 1998 might be a sibling who has since died, or an ex.

If your parent hasn't named anyone, here's what happens by default. Per NIA, when there's no advance directive and a person can't decide for themselves, state law decides who can make medical decisions, typically a spouse, parents or adult children, and the rules vary by state. Our guide on what to do when a parent has no power of attorney walks through it. For a quick explanation of the POLST and how it differs from a living will, see our POLST form guide.

NIA also lists questions a person can ask themselves when choosing a proxy, which work just as well as gentle questions for your parent: Will this person honor my wishes? Can they handle conflicting opinions from family and doctors? Do they live nearby, or would they travel? If your parent named the child who lives three time zones away and hates conflict, that's their call, though it may deserve a second conversation.

Money, briefly

Keep this part short. You're after the names of institutions and where the paperwork lives, not balances. For most emergencies, this covers it:

• What gets paid automatically each month, and what do you still pay yourself?
• Where do you bank? More than one place?
• Do you have any life insurance or long-term care coverage? Where's the policy?
• If you got locked out of your email, where would you find the logins? (You want the location, never the passwords.)
• Does anyone help you with taxes or investments?
• When did you last check who's listed as beneficiary on your accounts and policies?

The beneficiary question earns its place. As a Morningstar guide to these conversations points out, beneficiary designations can override a will, so an old form can send money somewhere your parent no longer intends, especially after a death, divorce or remarriage. The same article suggests asking utility companies whether you can be added as an emergency or authorized contact, so you hear about a missed payment before a shutoff.

For how to actually raise money with a private or touchy parent, with scripts for different personalities and a plan for "that's none of your business," see our guide on how to talk to aging parents about finances.

Home and daily life

These questions sound small. They're the ones that matter on day two of a hospital stay, when someone has to feed the cat and nobody can get in the house.

• Who has a spare key? Is there a hidden one?
• Is there an alarm code or garage code someone else should know?
• Who takes care of the pets if you're away unexpectedly? Who's the vet?
• Which neighbor or friend checks on you, or would notice if something was wrong?
• Is anything in the house getting harder, like stairs, the tub, the yard or night-time trips to the bathroom?
• How are you managing with groceries and meals?
• How do you feel about driving these days? Any times or roads you avoid now?
• If you couldn't live here on your own, where would you want to be? Here with help, near one of us, somewhere else?
• What's your daily routine? What helps you feel settled when you're not feeling well?

The driving question goes better as an open one. "Any roads you avoid now?" invites an honest answer. "Should you still be driving?" invites a fight.

Ask the "where would you want to be" question while it's still hypothetical. Your parent gets to answer it as a preference instead of a verdict, and you'll have their words to go back to if the day comes.

End-of-life wishes

This is the topic people put off longest, and the one where your guess is most likely to be wrong. NIA cites a study in which people guessed nearly one out of three end-of-life decisions for their loved one incorrectly.

Start with values, not machines. These come from or are adapted from The Conversation Project's starter guide:

• What does a good day look like for you?
• What or who helps you get through hard times? Faith, friends, family, a pet?
• How would you finish this sentence: "What matters to me through the end of my life is..."?
• If you were very sick, would you want to know all the details, or just the basics?
• Do you worry more about getting too much medical treatment, or not enough?
• Are there treatments you'd want, or not want? Things like CPR, a breathing machine or a feeding tube.
• If you were seriously ill, where would you want to be: at home, or in a hospital or care facility?
• If you couldn't speak for yourself, would you want us to do exactly what you've said, even if it's hard for us, or do what we think is best in the moment?
• Are there events or dates coming up that you really hope to be there for?

Then the practical end:

• Do you have wishes about a funeral or memorial service? Burial or cremation?
• Have you already made arrangements, or bought a plot?
• Are you registered as an organ donor? NIA notes people can register when they renew a driver's license or state ID, or online.
• Are there religious, spiritual or cultural traditions you'd want honored?

If your parent would rather talk this through with their doctor first, let them. NIA notes that advance care planning is covered by Medicare as part of the annual wellness visit. You could offer to drive them to that appointment and sit in.

Questions that aren't about logistics

If every visit is about papers, your parent will start dreading your car in the driveway. Mix in questions you'd want answered even if nothing ever went wrong.

Family health history sits in between: useful to you and your own kids, and easy for most parents to talk about. MedlinePlus says the easiest way to build a family health history is to talk to relatives about their health, asking what problems they've had and when, and that a family history can lead doctors to recommend earlier or more frequent screening.

• What health problems did your parents and grandparents have? How old were they when it started?
• What did they die of, and how old were they?
• Does anything run in the family that we should tell our doctors about?

And then the ones that are just for you:

• Who are the people in these old photos? (Write the names on the back.)
• What was your first job? How did you and Mom or Dad meet?
• What's a family recipe nobody has written down?
• What are you proudest of?
• What do you wish someone had told you at my age?
• Is there anything about the family you've always meant to tell me?

These are often the answers people treasure most later, so record them if your parent is willing. A voice memo on your phone is plenty.

Make notes before you sleep on it

Memory is a poor filing system, especially yours after a long drive home. Before the day is out:

1. Write the date and the topic at the top.
2. Use your parent's own words for anything about wishes. "No machines if they can't fix it" is more useful later than your summary of it.
3. For each document, write three things: does it exist, who is named, and exactly where it is ("blue folder, second drawer of the desk in the den").
4. Keep a separate list called "don't know yet." Every "I'm not sure" or "I'd have to look" goes there. That list is your agenda for the next visit.
5. Share a short, plain summary with your siblings. The Family Caregiver Alliance recommends a written summary of what each person agreed to after family meetings, and the same idea works here. Report what was said, not how the room felt.

Keep it all in one place your parent knows about, and tell at least one other person where that is. NIA's own advice to older adults is that someone you trust should know where to find your papers, even if you don't discuss your personal affairs with them. For the full list of papers worth tracking, see our guide to important documents for aging parents.

When a parent won't answer

Some parents will happily tell you about their first car and then go silent at "power of attorney." That's normal. A few things that help:

• Shrink the question. Not "tell me about your will," just "is there one, and where?"
• Go first. Mention who you named as your own health care proxy, and why you picked them.
• Offer a stand-in. If they won't talk to you, would they talk to their doctor, their lawyer or a faith leader? The Conversation Project's guide lists doctors, nurses, social workers and faith leaders among the people who may need to hear someone's wishes.
• Leave it in writing. Some parents would rather fill out a guide privately than say things out loud. The Conversation Project's free Conversation Guides can be printed or filled in at home.
• Let it go for now. "Fair enough. The offer stands." Then talk about something else, for real.

Frequently asked questions

What should I ask my parents before they die?

Cover the practical basics first (doctors, medications, who they named to make decisions, where the papers are), then what matters most to them, what treatment they would or wouldn't want, and their funeral wishes. Leave room for family stories and health history too.

At what age should you start asking your parents these questions?

There's no set age. Advance care planning isn't only for people who are very old or ill, as NIA points out, since a crisis can happen at any age. A good rule is to start while your parent is healthy and nothing is urgent, so the questions feel like planning rather than a reaction.

How do I bring up end-of-life wishes without upsetting them?

Start with values instead of medical details. "What does a good day look like for you?" or "When Grandpa was sick, do you think he got the care he wanted?" opens the door gently. Keep it short, let them steer, and come back to it another time.

What if my parent says "it's all taken care of"?

Take it as good news and ask one small follow-up that doesn't challenge it: "Good. If I ever needed something, where would I look?" Knowing the drawer, folder or office that holds the papers covers most emergencies.

Should siblings ask questions together or separately?

Usually one person asks, by agreement, and writes up the answers for everyone else. Your parent only has to explain things once, and nobody ends up quoting a slightly different version. Save group conversations for a real decision.

Keeping the answers somewhere useful

A notebook and this list, one topic at a time, will get you there. If you'd like help turning the answers into something you could hand to an ER nurse or a sibling, Emergency Binder Now walks you through about 25 minutes of guided questions, many close to the ones above, and builds a printable binder for your parent from what you enter. It opens with a one-page Emergency Information Sheet for paramedics or the ER, notes which legal documents exist and where each one lives, and ends with a gap list: your "don't know yet" items, ready for the next visit. You can see a sample binder before deciding.

Nothing here is legal, medical or financial advice; it's general information. Rules for advance directives, powers of attorney and default decision-makers vary by state. For your parent's situation, talk with their doctor or an elder law attorney in their state.